so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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