I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
