God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
