Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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