Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
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