i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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