You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
