Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
