You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
