I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
