It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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