then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
