So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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