we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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