phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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