4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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