my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
