Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
