i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I need a beard to bite.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
