he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I looked at my own cervix.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
