Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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