the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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