You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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