Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
