I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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