My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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