The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
