piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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