Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
