Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
