Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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