I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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