I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
