Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Yo dont text me then not text me
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
