Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
