Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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