I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
