You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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