He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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