Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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