my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
