If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
