The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
