It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
