I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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