Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Still dying that you shit outside
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
