Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sorry about my life...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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