You made me cry and you don't even care
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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