Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
