I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
