gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Randomize
